Facing a new set of facts (Or the sucky post of suckitude)

This is going to be a very difficult blog post to write.

Before yesterday's meeting, we had a fair amount of hope that we knew what was wrong and it was quite easily fixable. Seems it was a case of counting the chickens before we'd seen the eggs.

My thyroid count wasn't as high as we thought it might be. The tablets are working as they have been, and my levels are only just above the preferred level. Because the Stupid Doctor had said all was well, the Fertility Doctor wanted to do another blood test to see if the result would be the same. However, he's pretty certain that the thyroid problem is not what's preventing us getting pregnant.

The only other issue was slightly lowered morphology in M.'s sperm test. This could be due to slightly too much caffeine or alcohol about three months before the test, and is so slight, that again, with all the time we've been trying, it can't be counted as what is preventing us getting pregnant.

So, our official diagnosis is unexplained fertility.

I believe that there are a couple of further tests available - increasingly invasive and/or embarrassing tests. I believe they probably won't tell us what we don't already know - my reproductive system is essentially healthy, M. is essentially healthy - but they will take a financial, and more importantly at the moment, an emotional toll that I don't think we can really deal with at the moment.

Which leads us to, what next. Essentially we're looking at IUI or IVF.

And that's a whole new world to get my head around. The doctor was great yesterday, gave us all the information and answered all my many, many questions, but I must admit there was an overwhelming feeling of having lost something yesterday. A feeling that persisted through the afternoon and resulted in quite a lot of tears last night.

We've talked about it, a little. We've read up on it a little. We think we've made our decision. But we're not going to make anything final until tomorrow. Then we'll get the ball rolling on a whole new approach to getting pregnant.

Photo from flickr

Surviving the HSG

Yesterday was the dreaded date for the hysterosalpingogram (HSG). I really wanted to avoid this test if at all possible, but unfortunately events conspired and there I was yesterday.

We timed our arrival pretty well, leaving enough time to park and find where we were going (the diagnostic rooms are part of the nearby private hospital) and to fill in a few forms. Unfortunately, things were running late, and we were left in the quiet waiting room for around three quarters of an hour, which was enough time to really get my anxiety up. (Not to mention my disgust at the magazines which seemed to be filled with pregnancy and baby stories)

When we were finally called, they organised me to get changed. Thankfully, it was not a full change - just the lower half of my clothing (you do feel better with some of your own clothes on) were exchanged for a hospital type gown. Then down the hall to the room. They wouldn't let M. in the room, but he was able to wait outside (I would have preferred him in there, honestly).

The nurse explained the procedure to me, and then the doctor repeated the instructions. They were nice, but they insisted on carrying on their own conversation from earlier, which did nothing to distract me from my anxiety. Then I needed to get myself into position for the test, which involved a fair amount of contortionism, particularly when I had to hold my feet in a teeny little shelf. In the end, my muscles and ability to stretch did not work for me, and they had to hold my feet in place for me.

Medically, the procedure involves putting a speculum in, inserting a catheter through the opening of the cervix, inflating a small balloon to keep it in place, then injecting a liquid dye through and taking x-rays. From my perspective, it involved trying desperately to relax while the speculum was put in, increasing cramping and discomfort through that and the catheter, sharp lower cramping while the balloon was inflated and ongoing cramping through the whole procedure.

Afterwards, I had to lay there for a bit. The radiographer (I think) tried to make conversation, mostly around my birthday (just after Christmas), but she went on to say how her daughter shared my birthday, that she never wanted a Christmas baby, went back on the pill to avoid it, but got pregnant just after going off it. Just the right conversation for a woman obviously there for infertility, right? (No, I didn't tell her off. It's hard to tell people off when you're only wearing half your clothes)

I was mildly uncomfortable afterwards (M. did a lovely job rubbing my back which relieved it heaps), had mild nausea going home, and took myself straight to bed as the anxiety/stress caught up with me. About three hours after the procedure I had horrible stabbing cramps which were slightly relieved by panadol. This morning I woke up with almost no discomfort.

The good news was that there were no blockages, and the whole area looked fine. I just wish there was another way to find that out, and hope I never have to go through that again.


Photo from flickr

Making the First Visit

Today was our first visit to the fertility specialist, and, in my mind at least, our first steps into getting help in getting pregnant. Since the appointment was relatively early, I had initially planned to only take the morning off work. But with much deliberation (a couple of minutes) I changed this to a full day in case we got held up, or something went wrong. Nothing untowards happened, but as it turned out, I'm glad I took the extra time.

Walking into the doctors rooms together was like having a giant flashing light over our heads 'We're having trouble over here'. Luckily, the whole set up of the waiting room - from the obviously busy reception, to the awesome play area in the shape of a boat - was relaxing. We filled in the forms (with me wracking my brain to remember when I had all my surgery) before settling in to wait for our turn.

The doctor immediately put me at ease (phew) going through my reproductive history (very dull) and general medical history (much more interesting, especially when they ask about parents' health) and then asking similar questions of M. Then it was time for the exams . . .

Which meant internal exams. We started with a basic pap smear, a simple internal exam and then an internal ultrasound. Luckily, since I tend to freak out with new examinations, all these were familiar to me, and were done so simply and calmly that I didn't have any anxiety at all. The best news is that physically all looks well and normal there, and there are follicles developing in both ovaries, with a big one developing in the right ovary (great for this time in my cycle).

We followed this up with a billion and one blood tests (so much blood!) taken by one of the best nurses ever (barely a mark on either M's or my arm) and plans for a couple more tests to come (one for M and a rather uncomfortable one for me). They'll let us know in the next week if anything untoward pops up in the blood tests, but otherwise we're just on the wait until next time.

Possible treatments? Well the nurse only mentioned Clomid and intrauterine insemination, which seems to me that they're pretty comfortable with the less intrusive options first. Of course we won't really have an answer about treatments until our next appointment in four weeks time.

Am I glad we went? Well I do have really mixed feelings about everything at the moment, but I am glad that we chose this particular doctor and he was able to fit us in. As for the other feelings, they'll have to be for another post . . .

Photo from Flickr